“I had no right to say I wasn’t doing well”: A bereaved father recalls his partner’s two miscarriages

Publié le : 7 March 2019

I want to share the loss of two babies in utero at six-and-a-half months and eight months of pregnancy”. More than ten years after the events, a family man shares his experience and the emotion is still very much alive.

 

At the time, his partner, who was several months pregnant, was suffering from disturbing symptoms: she was vomiting blood. She consulted her obstetrician. “The baby’s heart stopped. They don’t know what happened”, she sadly told the child’s father, “they’re going to induce childbirth”. The following Monday, the day of the birth, “she didn’t want me to be there”, he recalls. When he met his partner after the procedure, he found that the medical staff had taken good care of her. He was even “offered psychological help” going forward. But, “at no time did someone come to me”, he explains.

 

The doctors then did tests and an autopsy on the baby, but they found nothing to explain the baby’s death. A year and a half later, the couple was expecting a child again. This time, the pregnancy went smoothly and their little girl was born. Then, later on, their third daughter was born.

 

When his partner got pregnant for the fourth time, the couple rejoiced. But, during an appointment with the obstetrician, they learned again that the baby’s heart had stopped. “I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was having a recurring nightmare”, says the father, “she had to give birth to a dead child again…” And again, “many people were concerned with my partner’s psychological health and distress […] But I have to say that at no time was I asked how I was doing. Neither the first time nor the second time”, he continues. “Yet, I would have liked some help. I didn’t know how to react to my partner and I didn’t know how to deal with these two deaths […]

 

I was left out. I was asked to pretend everything was fine and not make waves”, he says. “I had no right to grieve or say I wasn’t doing well. That was reserved for my partner. But, I am a parent too”. He’s sharing this suffering today. “It took me more than 10 years to feel comfortable enough with these two experiences and to be able to talk about them”, he concludes. “I’m here to tell others that they are not alone in this situation and that everyone has the right to be helped”.

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